Example 5.a
Gravel clattered the underside of the Impala as Peter, too stunned to react, continued to press the accelerator.
Two problems:
* The “X as Y” form makes the reader work too hard to manage the sequence of events in his head. The reader has to hold two simultaneous, often unrelated actions in his head and, at the same time, figure out the main thrust of the action. Remember the rules of basic writing: one sentence for one idea. In Example 5.a, what’s the most important thing that’s happening – the glass clattering under the Impala, or Peter stomping on the accelerator?
* It also implies a simultaneity that is often unnecessary or impossible to achieve. Wouldn’t Peter’s reaction follow the stimulus – glass clattering under the Impala? For example:
Example 5.b
Gravel clattered the underside of the Impala. Peter, too stunned to react, continued to press the accelerator.
Even when the simultaneity is believable, it is often implied already in context, and it’s simpler, easier reading without. Often the “X as Y” construct forces the writer to add unnecessary text such as dialog tags or transitions that just slow down the reader. For example, compare 5.c to 5.d:
Example 5.c
“You don’t want to know,” Betsy said as she spooned potatoes onto their plates. “It’s too disgusting a topic for the dinner table.”
Example 5.d
“You don’t want to know.” Betsy spooned potatoes onto their plates. “It’s too disgusting a topic for the dinner table.”
Do we need to be told that Betsy is talking and spooning potatoes at the same time? Does anyone not understand that from the simpler, cleaner example in 5.d?
There are times when this construct works. Sometimes you really do want to convey simultaneous actions, and that simultaneity is important. But use it sparingly. Overuse kills the power it can have with occasional use.
